You just do not understand if you aren't my age.

If you are older, he was a pedophile. If you are a younger, he was a mystery. But if you grew up during the 80s, Michael Jackson was your hero.

I mean, think about it — for one, I used to write "I love Michael Jackson" over my elementary school binder. That graffiti was surround by stickers I had collected of the man. When people talked about race problems in America, all I could think was, How can anyone not embrace black culture as American culture when Michael is the greatest entertainer of all time? The moments spent listening to him were defining. The tragedies that composed his life – Neverland, Blanket, Macaulay Caulkin – were merely footnotes to a mark already made. Michael brought soul to the white children of America. Or at least to me.

It's one of those moments that ends, for me and my peers, the childhood memories. To those fortunate enough to breath life in the future, he will be a historical fact. His music, while to a degree transcendent, will not resonate in the same way with the rest of humanity – it existed most and most vitally for us: the children of the 80s.

I care not a whit for the natural speculation about his death nor the judgment made upon his life. As with all great artists, he came and went; while here, he took us elsewhere; now gone, we remain standing in place, only able to rely upon the fickle capacity of our memories.

He once danced in a way that delineated time and space, he now moonwalks to the hereafter.

Politicians have many favorite phrases, but I always perk my ears up when I hear the empty phrase "...for the children." You can be pretty certain that the policies that surround this phrase will have little to do with what children want, need, or deserve and more to do with what adults want for themselves in the name of children. It is the parents at the party who insist they have to leave because their child is too tired, even though the kid is clenching the floor to stay and play. The truth is that the parents want to leave, and saying their kid is tired is a simpler excuse than saying that the parents want to go home.

When I was a kid, I remember being insulted by the way some adults treated children like. . . well, children. As a 10-year-old in 1987, I was well aware of the intricacies of the Iran-Contra scandal, so for an adult to suggest that I was unable to comprehend the "real world" was a direct attack on my intelligence. The phrase, "you wouldn't understand" frustrated me to no end. I pledged to myself at the time that when I grew up, I would never treat children as if they were unable to understand the adult world. The truth was, and is, that children are perfectly capable of looking at the world that surrounds them and seeing the forces of love and hate that move the world, whether in the political world of nations or the political world at the dinner table.

And yet, children, for all their strengths, are not the best negotiators. I need only remind you of Tom Sawyer's fleecing of his friends at the painted fence or that time when I traded a six-year-old two nickels for one quarter. (Sucker.) As it seems they are either unwilling or unable to negotiate on their own behalf, I have nominated myself to represent their interests.

*****

The children have been used most recently as tools to fight the current US stimulus package and budget plan. As Obama pledges funds to stimulate the sputtering economy, opponents cry that we are saving our economy by stealing money from our children. Obama's team would like to point out that these economic plans will pay for the food and health care of these children as their parents lose their jobs, and will invest in improving the education system that will presumably build the economy of tomorrow. So the interests of children aren't being completely ignored, nor are the kids being robbed. We are trying not to kill our system by the time our children inherit it.

But, let's face it, if you are a kid, learning that you will benefit from this stimulus by getting food, health care, and better schools won't seem like much of a boon. It is the broccoli of economic plans – children are told it is good for them, despite how it tastes. If children put together a political action committee, they would surely lobby Congress by saying that these benefits are pretty lame and uninspiring. "I ask you, Senator: When can we get something we can actually use?" they would ask. "Such as free ice cream?"

*****

Children of the US – as your unofficial representative, I have devised an ingenious plan that will provide you with the quid for your sacrifice of quo and will likely cost the US nothing but some administrative costs. An page on the internet for every child.

Critics will attack our plan as redundant (they already have Facebook/MySpace etc. to build their own pages) and prone to Big Brother oversight (especially if we give them .gov pages). But you don't have to look very far to understand that Facebook/MySpace create their own copyright/Big Brother issues. As far as Big Brother-ness goes, it seems to me at this point that all the content on the internet is monitored by someone: if not a government agency, then by any given page's audience. We would be better off to understand that privacy on the internet is a fallacy; if you browse through some MySpace pages, you can recognize this truth almost immediately.

The benefits of a free web page for every child are as infinite as the possibilities the child can come up with. As their economy of the future will certainly depend on their ability to communicate effectively online, it seems myopic that we have not already made this a mandatory part of a child's education. Giving them the freedom of a webpage to communicate originally – not through some convenient online template – broadens the scope of their potential creativity and ingenuity.

Adults will surely find some way to ruin my totally awesome plan, but that is what adults are here for. Instead of invoking the trite phrase of "for our children," I conclude my argument by using another trite argument – the Hitler attack. In Mein Kempf, Hilter wrote:

"...the state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation."

For once, let us not merely be perceived to work for the benefit of the children. Let's give them something they can really use so I can have my own liberty when I retire at 65. When they ask if the stimulus of 2009 helped them, they can reply they were paid in the liberty of online expression. Imagine it: A webpage in every child's cache!!! A dollop of hope to wash down the bitter taste of broccoli.



*****
p.s. Obviously, there are plenty of questions to ask: how much space does each kid get? how long do they get to keep their page? what sort of things won't be permitted on pages? But I intend this piece to open the discussion up, not to get wrapped up in defending it from every angle. Shout out below with further thoughts/questions/problems but try not to call my a Pollyanna.

It's like this. . . .

There are modern writers in this world of a certain kind. They seem, to me, to represent the fullest, most convincing reflection of what Generation X is and, in the long run, will be. These writers are:

• Gladwell.
  
• Simmons (The Sports Guy).
  
• Michael Lewis.
  
• Klosterman.
  
• Chabon.
  
• Will Leitch.
  
• Charlie Kaufman.
  
• Demitri Martin.
  
• The Onion writers.
  
• Conan.
  
• The Daily Show writers.
  
• Goldenfiddle.
  
• Free Darko crew.
  
• Drew Magary.
  
• Ze Frank.
  
• Palahniuk.
  
• Eggers.
  
• &c. [Surely, you can imagine the voice of which I speak. Invent your own list in the comments below. "I can't registers for the comments," you say. I reply, "What am I, a blog knome?"]
  
  And the seminal voices for this crowd are the epic voices of Obama and DFW. What do they all have in common? All have a voice on the internet. All have mastered a writing of modern entertainment. All have exposed their own lives to resonate deeply with their readers. All have spoken in a language where evil is not capitalized and where grammar, presentation, and style matter. All have espoused not irony, but sincerity in their fields. All of them have lived passionately with an eye towards improvement.
  
  As I have said a few times before, Obama is, in my mind, a Gen Xer. He was born in 1961, which is listed as Gen X in my favorite non-fiction book of 2008, Generations by Howe and Strauss, so it's official. More significantly, he had a multi-parent childhood and he grew up during the 80s – that's the real definition of our generation. Obama's life contains no slacking. Dude is straight action incarnate. If he's not doing, he's thinking and every subject is very important to him: from basketball to war.
  
  The same is true of these writers.
  
  We don't have a salon like back in the day that exists somewhere in Paris or New York with plush chairs and hookahs. Our plush chairs are in our own homes; our hookahs, hidden in our own cabinets next to the bed. We interact on the internet, our culture exists there. Even when we are out in the world speaking audibly with friends, we talk about the things we see on the computer when we are alone and, then, we find ourselves together again. We can parse out the lifehacks of the world so that we give ourselves the time and opportunity afforded to us by a world of interglobal communication and strategery. We move towards a world of transparency that begets sincerity. You will no longer call us Generation X, we shall be henceforth known as The Obama Generation.
  
  And do you know what happens after The Obama Generation creates their own perfect world?
  
  The next fucking generation comes in and ruins the place.
  
  
  

She's back for more in 2008: Brooke's superlatives match her shine.

Top of 2008
Live Show

My Bloody Valentine, Roseland Ballroom, 2 nights in a row. The 2nd night totally trumped the 1st. However, had I not been to the 1st night, I wouldn't have been prepared for the bodily effects experienced during the wall of sound first time round resulting in total enjoyment on the 2nd night. And yes, the wall of sound kicked ass.

Swervedriver was pretty sweet, too. Also went both nights. Though here, the first night was better. Fascinating, I know.

Musics

Bonnie "Prince" Billy – Lie Down in the Light. It's cheerful.

Tom Petty – Umm, Tom Petty rules. Sure I knew this, but I don't think I reaaaally knew it until this year. A friend lent me this album, Anthology: Through the Years. Yes.

Yoga Studio

Abhyasa Yoga Center (http://abhyasayogacenter.com/) Founded by an amazing teacher, J. Brown, Abhyasa opened in February. I did teacher training here in the Spring and now teach a couple classes. It's a great space and I'd highly recommend it even if I didn't teach here.

Neighborhood

Clinton Hill, Brooklyn. It's pretty and smells nice; convenient to other cool neighborhoods; close to Ft. Greene park, the farmer's market, the Navy Yard, and a kick-ass Salvation Army; there's plenty of restaurant choices, trees, and dogs.

Rainy Day Activity

Soldering. I discovered this wonderful website http://buildyourownclone.com/ and have found a new hobby.

Preventive Measure

Flu shots. Having the flu sucks. It's not just for old people and babies. Get a flu shot.

Books

Revolutionary Road – the book will be better than the movie.

The Road – the book will be better than the movie.

Women In Love – no, it's not about lesbians. [Ed. note: dang.]

Way to be Lazy

Watching Netflix Instant Viewing through the Xbox. Mainly 30 Rock. Like 10 episodes in a row.

Food

Hoboken Farmboy. The veggie chili over brown rice with hummus (sounds weird but is delicious) and avocado, in my own glassware container, of course.

Mode of Transport

My new bike. It feels incredible to ride a machine that actually responds when you ask it to do something. If you're going to be riding your bike all over creation attempting to keep up with your former bike messenger boyfriend, I suggest spending a little cash on it. Oh, and wear a helmet.

Feels Good All Over

Obama wins.

Red Helvetica is back in black, with the keenest of coolness in 2008. If you like this, check out her groundbreaking review of Knocked Up.

This is her mouth. Few have entered, none shall pass.

1. Best Commercial:
   
   Let’s pretend for a moment that I:
   
   A) Watch ESPN,
   B) Know who Paul Pierce is, and
   C) Am not shamelessly promoting my friend Chris Gethard’s comic genius,
   
   and I think you will agree that this video is nothing short of hilarious. You’re welcome.



2. Best bang for your 5 bucks in NYC: The Nights of Our Lives at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.
   
   You might think that Chris Gethard is providing me with copious amounts of money or unmentionable favors, but I promise this is not the case. It just so happens that he belongs to one of the best comedy shows I’ve ever seen. Rather than your average “I feel so embarrassed for these awkward people” sketch show, this is a true-life story telling forum that will have you laughing so hard that you may want to bring a change of underwear.
   


3. Best new beverage: Death to Starbucks! I proclaim that Horchata is the new Frapp! This drink is typically made of rice milk, almonds, cinnamon, and sugar. And it is my new love. If you live in NYC, swing by the Downtown Mexican Bakery on 1st Ave. between 4th and 5th for this icy deliciousness.


4. Best book that I still haven’t managed to finish: Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell.
   
   I don’t even know how to describe this book, but according to a friend who is hands-down the most avid reader I know, “it will blow your mind.” I wanted to quit after the first 10 pages, but I pressed on. Now three quarters of the way through, I still don’t know what’s going on, which is exactly what makes this book so addictive. Consider it your next literary Everest.



5. Best book I did manage to finish: Abundance: A Novel of Marie Antoinette by Sena Jeter Naslund.
   
   This is a gorgeous piece of historical fiction with a surprisingly sympathetic view of the original teen queen. Naslund shatters the spoiled brat image that most of us hold true for Marie Antoinette and does so with descriptive sentences that are a treat for the imagination. Sophia Coppola, eat your heart (and your cake) out.



6. Best TV show: Mad Men.
   
   Can you imagine going to the gynecologist and having him light up a cigarette mid-examination? Yeah, me neither, but oh, how fun it is to watch. This show is an awesome depiction of the early 1960’s high-rollin’ NYC advertising industry. I predict by the series’ end, every character will have died of lung disease but until then, I’m loving every chain-smokin’, daytime drinkin’, pointy bra-wearin’ minute of it.



7. Best food blog: smittenkitchen.com.
   
   Like a lot of people these days, I’m into food porn. The hostess of smitten does double-duty by providing great recipes and some seriously amazing food photography to accompany them. Just looking at the photos will have you licking the screen. I highly recommend the home-made oreos!

From the brilliant mind of Gaston, we get our the first AWOLC Top List for 2008. Gaston is pictured here with his gorgeous wife Lexa and their adorable son Inigo, who also contributed to the list. Enjoi!

We three kings.

Top Personal Health Event of the Year — Quitting Caffeine — I fasted the day of Yom Kippur and was surprised at how well I felt all day and used the opportunity to quit caffeine altogether (except for a half cup in the morning), and I've realized that my struggles with blood-sugar levels and crankiness over the past five years, especially in the late morning, were the result of too much coffee (in 2003 I took the first step of quitting drinking extra large sugar sodas at lunch). It's incredible how much better I feel. A few years ago a dietitian I consulted had recommended quitting the coffee but I didn't pay attention, and now I know it makes a huge difference for me. Apparently the problem is that the adrenaline rush of coffee is followed by a crash to which I am too sensitive.

Top Incorrect Belief of the Year — Inigo has been sure, ever since Alexa explained to him that she had a baby in her belly, that he has one too. He points out that his is growing very slowly and uses his hands to demonstrate its size. There is a door, he says, for the baby to exit through.